Kittino's Krazy Karousel

Wow! It's Still Here!

2010-05-14T07:13:00.000-07:00

I thought that my blog was taken away from me by the great god of the blogosphere. In fact, I even got a message saying that it was being removed. That's my excuse for not writing, although I just checked, and voila! It's still here!!! I have so much to share and no time this morning, but I WILL be back!! God has been showing me many wonderful things about exactly what He expects from me, not what Kitty expects from herself. How freeing!! Slowly breaking those bonds!

I do have a prayer request that I hesitantly share. My momma's heart is breaking for one of my precious angels, Carson. First off, HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS!!! Now that that's off of my chest, I'll give you my prayer request. After reading Carson's text messages and seeing God's working in His life recently, my heart became broken for him. He has been his usual happy, funny, engaging self. He has still been involved with the family, enjoying time with his dad and even his momma (smile). He's been playing guitar like a mad man, enjoying leading worship for the youth and on Sunday mornings for "big" church. In fact, he's been listening to a lot more Christian music, posting Bible verses on Facebook, and going through a book on being a Christian teen with his dad (at Carson's suggestion). All in all, he seems to be in a very good place, although school is still a thorn in all of our flesh!

His texts revealed a boy who feels very alone, who is being made fun of for listening to Christian music and posting Bible verses on Facebook, who wants to get away from his high school desperately and focus on real friends, family, and God. There were other heart-breaking things that have happened at school and possibly at School of Rock (just not sure). I can't share them all, but I bowed before my God last night and placed that tiny baby (who's now 15 and WAY taller than I) into His hands once again. I'm praying for one good friend, one person who gets him, one person who will laugh with him and hang with him. The request seems simple enough, but it feels like asking God to move a mountain. I've even had to ask God to help me in my unbelief because I don't see anyone around who could be that friend. Please join with me in praying for him. He'll be homeschooling next year, but I don't want him to feel more isolated. God has the answer; clearly, I don't. As I lay this before my Heavenly Father, I look SO forward to the day that I can give Him the glory for the greater work that He will do!

Looking for the Lost Laugh

2010-03-01T07:48:00.000-08:00

I recently returned from a great trip to New York City where I met my sister-in-law, Danea, and my niece, Amanda. Danea has been my best friend and confidante for 25+ years, since the birth of Amanda. Throughout the years, we have shared all of life, laughter, tears, fears, disappointments, joys, blessings...... We've never kept secrets from each other and have always loved and encouraged one another. Certainly, we have disappointed one another on occasion, but those times have been very, very few. God has blessed us with the kind of friendship that most in this world never experience, and I am overwhelmingly thankful for His blessing.

This trip was not our first to NYC or our first time to be together without the guys, but I noticed something different on this trip. While we were still close, still shared our deepest thoughts and wishes, there was something missing on this trip. As we were riding down the elevator, bags in tow, preparing to check out of the hotel, I realized that we were missing the laughter. We were missing the tears-streaking-down-the-cheeks kind of laughter, the laughter that cleanses one's soul, that takes on a life of its own. There were no naked flips onto the bed, no singing as we walked down the street, no getting so tickled that we just laid on the bed laughing.

Where was the laughter? Has life become so heavy, so full of worries, concerns, and to-dos, that there is no room for the can't-catch-your-breath laughter? How many weeks would we need to spend together, away from the realities of life, in order to experience that kind of laughter? Is it like the core of a head of lettuce, hidden beneath layer after layer of suffocating leaf? Does lack of laughter mean lack of joy? If so, hasn't God promised me that joy? Am I looking in all of the wrong places? Am I even looking?

Obviously, I don't have any answers, but I definitely have many questions. At the heart of this girl named Kitty is a girl full of laughter and joy, a girl who can make people feel good, who can make people laugh, who loves to laugh herself. I know she's in there; she couldn't just disappear. How does one go about looking for the lost laugh? I refuse to give up on it. I just need to find it again.

Blind Walking

2010-02-18T14:46:00.000-08:00

When I was younger and thought about having children, I knew that I wanted to have several. Having always loved children, I played with my baby dolls for hours on end. When I would go to take a nap, I would hold my favorite baby, Cindy-doll, and pretend that we were on a trip West in a covered wagon. I loved that doll so much that I even took her to college with me.

Since I didn't get married until I was 28, I was anxious to begin my trek into motherhood. Rowland was a great husband, but I still felt that the one thing I needed to make me "complete" was a child of my own. Two days before our first anniversary, Carson was born. I still remember 15 years ago as I did the Caesarean shuffle through my house holding my baby, standing in front of the hall mirror in disbelief that the tiny boy in my arms was actually mine. I was a mommy, and nothing could have made me happier!

After four years of enjoying Carson as an only child, we decided to have another baby and had William. Then, after a night of too much wine, we became pregnant with Kitty, and she was born 16 months after William's birth. As if our plate was not full, we began the adoption process for our fourth child when Kitty was three years old. A year later, we brought Jia, almost two years old, home from China. Let there be no doubt that our family was complete, and this momma was more than complete!

I truly adore each one of my children; they are my heart and soul! When they're happy, I'm happy with them. When they're sad, I'm sad with them. When they were little, it was easy to know the proper discipline for each, the best way to reward and motivate each of them. Life was more black and white, easier to maneuver as a parent. When bedtime came, I put not only the children to sleep for the night but also my mind to rest. I didn't lie awake wondering how to handle situations or pray throughout the entire day as I fretted over decisions made or to be made.

Those days have passed, though, and now I do awaken in the night, asking God for clear guidance in how to handle each of my children. I feel as if I am praying for them constantly, praying for God to transform their hearts, for His guidance as I walk through this parenting forest. As my children leave the house to head for school, my heart is often heavy, knowing their struggles, their sorrows, their pain and realizing that I have little power in healing their hearts or filling them with joy and laughter while they're gone.

Books have been written; speakers have spoken; and endless telephone conversations have been had as I have sought clear answers to this path of parenthood. I have learned that there is no magic formula, no two children who are alike, no "right way" to handle each situation. Instead, I am learning to close my eyes tightly, pray to God desperately, and put one foot in front of the other.

Happily Ever After

2010-02-15T08:47:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time...and they lived happily ever after. Almost every fairy tale begins and ends with those words. "Once upon a time," there was someone who needed something, was lacking in some way, and in the end, that person's need was filled, and "they lived happily ever after." The demons of life were slain, forever put to rest, and only a bright future remained.

In the "real" world, though, as Rob Thomas sings so accurately, "nobody told you it was gonna be hard!" Life is littered with beautiful, happy moments that bring tears of joy to your eyes; however, life is also full of difficult, wilderness times that bring tears of pain or emptiness to those same eyes. To me, the hardest part of this journey of life is that those wilderness times usually catch me by total surprise. I'm never quite prepared for the dry, desolate, sometimes painful desert, but it always arrives, usually knocking me to my knees.

As I walk through my own wilderness right now, I am continually trying to determine when I first stepped into the dry sand. Unfortunately, it seems that I walked for quite a while before my thirst overtook me, before I realized that I had indeed entered the desert. As I look around me for an oasis, for my "happily ever after," the blowing sand has clouded my vision. My mind is full of thoughts, running into one another, constantly moving, yet never being able to identify how I got here or where to find the lush garden of respite I so desperately need.

I'm not depressed, but I am concerned. I am concerned about each of my children. I am concerned about my husband. I am concerned about our family as a whole. I am constantly going to God, pointing to the miracles in the past, praising Him for those, and asking for His touch in my life and in the lives of those living in my home. I do know that He will show up in a mighty way, but I'm uncertain when that will be and how He will do it. Will He take me from this wilderness in a grand way, or will the journey be long and painful? Will the result be the one for which I am asking, or will His plan differ greatly?

The Scriptures tell me that "I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living," and I bank on that each day. In eternity, I am assured of my happily ever after; however, here on Earth, I'm sad to admit that, to me, happily ever after is only for fairy tales.

My Mixed Blessing

2010-02-14T16:55:00.000-08:00

I lay there with knots in my stomach feeling like a little girl in trouble, waiting for a disapproving look, listening to the noise downstairs. I hear the rattling of pots and pans, dishes being put away. Chairs are being moved around as if someone is sweeping under the kitchen table, straightening up the room. Every once in a while, a father's voice sends one of the girls upstairs to put away toys left in the den.

The knots in my stomach tighten, and the tears fill my eyes as I begin reprimanding myself, reminding myself of how just how short I fall as the homemaker. As I go through the list of my failures, my inadequacies, I hear the vacuum cleaner begin its roar. My throat tightens, and I will myself to get out of the bed, to face the world outside of my room.

As I descend the stairs, I smell the familiar smell of cleaning products and wonder if the bathrooms have been cleaned as well, hoping that they've been left for my hands, for my redemption. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, I see my husband vacuuming the living room, and the guilt is all-consuming. I speak to him, expecting to hear a single "hello," recognition mixed with disapproval.

Instead, Rowland says to me, "I thought I'd give you a head start on your week" as he gives me a kind smile. Instantly, the knots disappear, and the little girl stands there, appreciation washing over the fear of condemnation. I walk through the room, picking up a blanket and a throw pillow, helping straighten ahead of the vacuum cleaner.

Once the vacuuming is finished, my husband goes into the kitchen, talking to the girls about what they'd like for dinner. After all, it's 6:15. I should have considered dinner but instead was too consumed with my own thoughts, reprimanding myself for who I wasn't, the good wife, the good mother. Still pleasant, Rowland begins making dinner, moving through what should be my duties.

Yes, I'm thankful for a husband who is involved, not just with the house but also with the children. I'm thankful that he takes the initiative and jumps in to help. Yet, at the same time, this "blessing" seems to take my place so easily. My blessing reminds me with his loving actions of just how short I fall from the mark, just how often I fail to do "my job," just how little I do compared to those mothers, wives, homemakers around me. Feeling defeated, I trudge through the rest of my night, trying to leave my mark somewhere, hugging my girls as they cry, emptying suitcases, beginning the laundry. At this point, I'm incapable of enjoying the relaxing evening that I had planned. I MUST prove my importance, my irreplaceability in this group that I call family.

An Anxious Warrior

2010-02-12T07:49:00.000-08:00

Interesting that I've been thinking so much this week about love, empathy, and compassion. Interesting also that I've been specifically thinking about Jesus' Commandments to Love God and Love Others, summing up our role as followers of Christ. As promised in God's Word, the Devil is always lurking, ready to take us down, watching for the precise moment when he can throw us into a maelstrom and try to drown us. Certainly, my life is no exception; while I have the armor of Christ, as long as I'm in battle with the Devil, I'm a target of his.

The words of the day are confrontation and anxiety, two of my least favorite! What does it look like to be in confrontation with another who's not a believer and still show Christ's love? As my precious friend Grant used to say, "That's the slippery slope." What does it look like to love your child with a mother's heart and still show Christ's love to someone attacking your child, attacking your character as a mother, questioning your skills as a parent?

Oh, I'm definitely not one without pride, and I definitely care what others think about me. Probably, I care a little too much most of the time. This morning, though, as my stomach is filled with anxiety, and I run back and forth to the restroom, I am trying to discern Jesus' will for my MOUTH. I am perfectly capable of "dressing myself up" with a happy smile, a self-assured posture, and the look of someone excited to face the day. I'm not so capable of controlling my tongue when it comes to defending my children and even myself. Yes, Jesus, You know me! My MOUTH is the problem.

I honestly don't know what form the confrontation will take today, but I am certain that it will come. I have three valentine parties at school, and it could quite possibly appear at two of those parties. I'd like to just cry, take my "part" of the parties to school, drop the items off, and feign a migraine. And I could do just that; however, there are two problems with that scenario. Foremost is that my children would be sad. They don't care about adult confrontation; they care about their momma's showing up and being a part of their special day. I WON'T let the scariness of the word confrontation cause me to disappoint my babies! And secondly, probably most important to God, is that this confrontation seems to be preordained. I have a sense that God is asking me to walk through this in the power of the Holy Spirit, that my words and actions today are part of a much bigger plan. As my sweet friend Amy told me last night, He may be asking me to "take one for the team."

Instead of seeing this as my character on the line, my parenting being an issue, my child being accused, perhaps I should instead view this as God's character being on the line. Maybe today, instead of being the scared warrior hiding in her house, God is asking me to put on His armor and be the soldier He has called me to be - not to fight for my rights or those of my child, but to show the true character of a Christ follower, of His warrior.

Holy Spirit, fill me with Your love, Your compassion, Your empathy as You empty me of my pride, my own sense of justice. Let Your lamp truly be a light unto my path THIS day, and in the end, may You, Jesus, receive the glory and honor that You so rightly deserve!!

Empathy for All But One

2010-02-11T07:57:00.000-08:00

Empathy is a complex word, an even more complex feeling. The dictionary definition is "identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives." Differing from sympathy, "a general kinship with another's feelings," empathy involves a "vicarious participation" in another's feelings. Basically, it's a deeper level of sympathy.

As someone who has been hard-wired to be deeply compassionate, full of mercy, I am also someone who has great empathy for others. At times, that empathy can feel more like a curse as it drains me of so much emotional energy. The empathy that I feel pushes me to action, to somehow "help" the person for whom my heart aches. It also gives me great feelings of joy as I watch others celebrate. Yes, I am one of those people who not only smiles at the preacher while he's talking as if it offer encouragement but also one of those people who smiles at those on television as if I am able to offer them encouragement as well!

I often pray, asking God to show me ways that I can make a difference in people's everyday lives, and He offers me those opportunities. In a public restroom yesterday, a lady in a wheelchair was struggling to get into the stall since there was no handicapped stall. I offered to help her stand so that she could walk into the restroom, knowing that it might be awkward but feeling that she really needed my help. As I was leaving that same building, an older lady was standing by the door with a cane, waiting for someone to hold the door for her. Of course, I jumped at the opportunity. Then, only a few minutes later as I was driving home, I came upon an old car stalled in the middle of the road as the driver stood watching car after car go around her. I offered to call someone for her, and in minutes, she was in my car as I took her to the gas station, the bank, and back to the gas station.

I'm not singing my praises as I write this but instead am giving you a glimpse into who I am, how deeply I am concerned about others. This glimpse is to drive home the great insight of my therapist as we sat yesterday and discussed empathy and compassion. As I was sharing with her how painful it can be to step into all of the shoes walking through my house as well as those shoes that I encounter throughout the day, she made a great observation.

In explaining my feelings to Meg, I related an argument that my husband and I had had on Monday night in which I felt that he didn't validate, empathize, or even recognize my feelings. Upon his leaving, I sank into a pool of tears at my computer, broken-hearted and feeling that, while I try to offer great compassion for every single person in my home, there is sometimes none given back to me when I need it most. Suddenly, I had the overwhelming desire to cut myself, to hurt myself physically so that the emotional pain would be pushed away. Eventually, I headed to the kitchen where I ate the last six pop-tarts, knowing that I would purge them immediately and that all emotional pain would be gone, at least for the moment. And it worked. Momentarily.

Truly, though, in that moment what I wanted, what I needed, was empathy, compassion, someone to step into my shoes. There was no one in that particular moment....or was there? Meg showed me that while I can have great empathy for the man on the corner begging for money even if he put himself in that situation through drug use or laziness, I can find no empathy for myself. I'm able to be empathic with criminals when I see the way that they have been raised, the lack of nurturing and stability, yet I'm unable to extend that same empathy to myself. Am I not just as deserving of my love, my compassion, my kindness, my feelings as those around me? As a mother, why do I feel guilty, selfish when I NEED, going so far as to label those needy emotions as selfishness, self-pity, unworthiness? So full of empathy.....for all but one.

Love Hurts

2010-02-10T07:49:00.001-08:00

We're all taught growing up that we're to "do unto others as we'd have them do unto us." Jesus tells us that the two most important commandments are to love God and to love others. Even in movies, we root for the "good" guy, the underdog, the one who puts it all on the line for someone else. In books, we want love to triumph over all obstacles. Loving others makes us feel good about ourselves.

Loving others also drains every last drop of emotion, energy, enthusiasm out of us. Sometimes, it takes a lot of work to love. Even when loving comes naturally as in the case of loving our children, it can still leave us spent.

Loving and empathy seem to go hand in hand. It's difficult to love another person without feeling empathy, getting inside the emotions of that person and walking in those proverbial shoes. As if my own emotions aren't draining enough, taking on others' emotions is often overwhelming, especially when it's the emotions of my children.

This very morning, my high schooler came to me feeling sick. Do I think he's sick? I'm not sure. I know that several of us have felt pretty bad over the last couple of weeks. I also know that his dad is out-of-town; he knows his momma's weakness (i.e, love); and he's not too high on school. The love/empathy steps in, and I cave, unsure of my decision but very sure of my love for him.

This same morning, my fifth grader walked around the house with a blanket or jacket over his head. Hoping that he'd decided that he was yet another of Michael Jackson's love children, I teased him only to discover that there was true sadness hiding under that blanket. And my heart took off again! He's been struggling the last several weeks, disliking school, bored with school, bored with church, bored with life in general. He's even been sleeping in my room at night. With a full day ahead of me, I CANNOT give in to his desire to stay home. In addition, he has to learn to keep putting one foot in front of another even when his feet are heavy. As he walked from our home to the bus stop, though, my heart ached for him, and a part of me went with him.

The younger girls have also had their own drama. My fourth grader doesn't feel that she has any friends, feels that she's not in the popular group, and often hangs out with the boys. I understand those feelings, remember those feelings, and ache for her as she lies in my lap and cries time and time again. The baby of our family is still insecure, still unsure of her place, struggling to stay the baby while being pushed to be more independent. And once again, my heart, so full of love, aches.

As I drive down the road and see homeless people with signs, I want to help each one of them, not just hand them $10 but really help them. As I hear stories of teenagers feeling unloved and hurting themselves, I want to love them, to walk with them through this journey of life. When I see the images of people suffering all over the world, I send money, but I want to touch them, to love them, to make a real difference in each of their lives.

All of these feelings are God-given, natural, appropriate emotions. They are an attempt to live out the loving God/loving others Commandment. They are the "do unto others...." That love is what separates us from those who can so easily hurt others with no feelings of remorse. I want to love like I love. I want to allow my heart the freedom to walk down the street with my child as he goes to school in tears, to wrap my arms around broken friends, to passionately adore my husband, to praise my Heavenly Father with a completely open, though imperfect, heart. God, teach me to love unconditionally both You and Others, but, God, hold my heart gently in Your hands as it cracks and bruises easily.

And Around It Goes......

2010-02-08T17:41:00.001-08:00

Do you ever feel totally alone in the world? Alone in a house full of people, full of laughter, tears, music, talking...... Ever feel as though the world is spinning by full of people who are happy, sad, dying, living, moving faster and faster, and you're one little spot, one lonely little spot? It's as if there's an egg enclosing me inside, making me invisible, or at least a part of me invisible. The needing me never ends. "I need help with this." "Can you spend time with me?" "Momma, where's my _______?" And, definitely, the satisfaction is never fulfilled. Happy with me one moment can turn into disappointment in me the next. All while I'm just trying....trying...trying. Does anyone really care that I'm trying? Does it really matter? What if I quit trying? Would the approvals and disappointments remain the same?

I am loved. Truly loved. But does anyone want to know how I feel? Does anyone care how I feel? Do my feelings change anyone's actions or words? I am loved. But....do you know how I feel? Would you treat me differently if you did? Would I still feel totally alone in the world? Would I still be one lonely little spot?

Surprise!!!

2009-11-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

Rowland is so amazing at surprising me. Through the years, he has outdone himself on numerous occasions. I'm learning, though, as he pointed out to me on our recent "surprise getaway." With airline information and passports in hand, all of our bags packed, and the kids lined up with a great babysitter, we headed to the airport last Thursday morning without his having a clue where we were headed! Being one who seldom can keep surprises quiet, I was most proud of myself that even upon parking at the airport, I still kept my mouth closed tightly! Once we reached the check-in station for Alaskan Airlines, I decided that I needed to let him in on the secret. True to his optimistic self, he was excited and ready for the adventure.

Several hours later, we checked in to our Premier Suite at the Four Seasons Vancouver. As I had been planning the trip, I was concerned that I was spending too much on our hotel room. I've always wanted to stay in a Four Seasons, though, and they had a special "stay three nights and get the fourth for free." Never being one to pass up a "sale," I jumped on the deal!! I truly thought that Rowland would never let me plan another vacation once he saw that I'd booked us in such nice rooms, but as usual, Rowland outdid me yet again. He upgraded to a suite so that he'd have a separate den where he could hang out while I slept in the mornings. After our stay, I determined that, given the choice, I'd rather stay in a lesser quality hotel and have the extra room when we vacation. Of course, I'm always up for a five star hotel AND the extra room!!

We had a wonderful time while we were away, enjoying walking in the rain, shopping in an enormous mall, traveling by ferry to Victoria, walking around Granville Station and the Gas Lamp district, and eating delicious food. Rowland is the most fabulous tour guide, even with no advanced notice. Each morning, he would get up at his usual 5:30 (ugh! ugh! ugh!), dress, head for Starbucks, relax with his coffee on the couch, and plan our day. His best quality as a tour guide is that he is very flexible and presents several options from which to choose. He also knows that if he throws in a little shopping, he can easily put a smile on my face!!

Me on the Ferry

Rowland's Hike on the Way to Whistler

Shannon Falls

So....here are the top ten things I discovered while in Vancouver:

TEN - It rains A LOT and ALL THE TIME!!!!

NINE - The man checking out of the hotel with his huge bag of golf clubs probably had a very disappointing trip!

EIGHT - The private room on the ferry to Victoria is a quiet place to travel, especially after a short girl with a Southern accent put on her B**** attitude and complained about the woman trying to give a mini-seminar on growing organic food!

SEVEN - Even while watching a movie in a foreign country, Milk Duds are still our drug of choice!

SIX - Did I mention that it rains A LOT and ALL THE TIME??

FIVE - For a country with such socialist programs, they certainly don't believe in left turns while driving! (Just a little Rowland humor!!)

FOUR - Vancouver is about 40% Asian, and there were times that I felt that we were back in China! (And that's a good thing!)

THREE - It rains A LOT and ALL THE TIME!!!! (In fact, according to Rowland, it's raining right now! Shock of all shocks!)

TWO - The Cactus Cafe needs to open a restaurant in Denver since it definitely has the BEST food and atmosphere! We ate there two out of four nights and even snuck in for a dessert the third night!

ONE - In a mall of 450 stores, there were NO red ankle boots, and Lucky Brand Jeans is STILL my favorite store!!! (See, it really is all about the shopping! I even ordered my red boots from the computer in the lobby from Zappos.com. Now, that's service!!!)

The time away was priceless with lots of time for conversation (Rowland's favorite part of the trip, I'm sure!), time to re-group as a couple instead of simply parents, and loads of laughter! Even after almost 16 years of marriage, I still love my best friend!!

The Steam Clock in the Gas Lamp District

Dinner at Our Favorite Restaurant

Our Hands May Be Older, but They're Still Holding on Tightly!

She's Back......

2009-11-03T06:51:00.001-08:00

I know that I've been a horrible blogger the last few months. I've been in one of my "depression times" and just haven't felt like writing, but I'M BACK!!!

Since I've been gone for a while, I decided to just catch you up on some of the fun things that have been going on in our family, and I'll do that mostly via pictures!!

William and Kitty had their first choir concert together. They did a great job and sang several fun songs!

William and Kitty after the Concert

Beautiful Singing

I took Carson and a friend of his to the One Republic / Rob Thomas concert. I have definitely become a HUGE Rob Thomas fan!! The concert was great!!

Carson and I Ready to Rock!

Carson, Dee, and Maria, Dee's Mom

Next on our list of things to do was to go to "Wicked!" Last year while I was in New York, I went with my sister-in-law to see it, and it was fabulous!! Rowland and I were not disappointed! It was fabulous again!!!!

I love "Dress Up" Dates!!

Since we don't celebrate Halloween, we enjoyed going out to dinner as a family, then watching "Igor" and stuffing our faces with as much candy as we were able!! I always treasure Family Night!

Candy and Movie Night

Our Newest Addition, Joan "Jet" Watching the Movie

And lastly, we celebrated my 44th birthday yesterday! My precious friend Jeannie made me a cake and tried to slide some trick candles into the mix. Still full of hot air, I blew them ALL out!!!

Stuffing Our Faces at On the Border

Momma with Her Little Princess

Daddy and William

The Oldest and the Youngest

Kitty Still Adores Her Big Brother

The Birthday Dance with Joe and Jeannie

My Precious Friend

Making My Wish

All in all, it's been a tough road for the last couple of months, but joy truly does come in the morning, and the sun has risen! I've enjoyed the time of "circling the wagons," focusing all of my energy on my family and resting as needed. God is always faithful, though, even when I begin to doubt Him. Fortunately, His faithfulness is not dependent on mine!! Thank you to those of you who have prayed for me and for our family! Prayers are the real treasures!!

Happy 5th Gotcha Day September 22, 2009

2009-10-21T16:58:00.001-07:00

On December 10, 2002, a little baby girl was born in Guigang, China. Almost two years later on September 22, 2004, that little girl, Cydney Jia Xiaoshen Smith, was placed in our arms to complete our family. Somehow, God in His amazing and miraculous ways led us straight around the world to our beautiful daughter. We are so blessed to be her Forever Family. Jia, your momma and daddy love you with every piece of their hearts!!!

My heart is so filled with joy as I watch the video for the 100th time. I remember sitting on the couch, waiting for the orphanage director to place my baby in my arms. Instead, a beautiful little toddler came walking into the room. As tears streamed down our cheeks, Rowland and I reached for our princess. Naturally, she screamed! It was not exactly the moment I had pictured in my mind, nor were the days following. In fact, it was a L-O-N-G three weeks in China living with a little girl who hated me, would not allow me to touch her very often, and would scream if Rowland touched me or I even touched her stroller.

Jia slept on top of Rowland's chest each night, and each time he would try to move or get up, she would scream "Ma-Ma, Ma-ma!" I began to think that she would have been better off to have stayed with her foster mom of the last 14 months. At 22 months of age, she understood just enough to know that she was miserable!

As countless friends and family prayed, I began to notice small changes in her responses to me. My mom, being the wise woman that she is, suggested that I give her Skittles and Diet Coke and that she only be allowed them when she was in my lap. I'm not sure that a psychologist would have agreed, but her plan worked! I gave her Skittles and Diet Coke morning, noon, and night! And God began to work in her little heart to bond her to me. I specifically remember God whispering in my ear, "Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning!" (Psa. 30:5) And so it did!

Jia Taking Skittles from My Hand

And Feeding Them to Her Momma

On the long plane ride home, Jia and I were the only ones who seemed to be awake on the entire plane. I spent hours walking her up and down the aisle, singing softly in her ear, "Yes, Jesus loves Jia...." I know that God used that time to further bond our hearts together.

Now, my little princess who was formed in someone else's body has been forever imprinted in my heart. As I read recently, "I may not have given you the gift of life, but life gave me the gift of you!" Thank you, God, with a gratefulness that only You can understand!! You have been good to this momma!

Jia and "Mom-mom" Loving Each Other

To Understand Me......And the Plight of My Precious Husband

2009-10-10T13:06:00.000-07:00

Rob Thomas - "Her Diamonds"

Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man there's so many times
I don't know what I’m doin'
Like I don't know now

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night
Can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what I’m supposed to do
But if she feels bad then I do too
So I let her be

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don't feel right

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there's something less about her
And I don't know what I’m supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too
And don't let her see

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
She’ll be all right
She’ll be all right
Just not tonight

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

Get Off My Back....

2009-09-15T06:49:00.000-07:00

My kids educate me all the time on conservation. Jia was just explaining to me at the cabin this week that we have to take care of the Earth because when we die, there will be a whole new "school" coming up. They tell me not to let the water run too long when I'm brushing my teeth. They tell me which items are to be recycled and which can't be. Another thing that I hear about is gasoline conservation, a GREAT topic for a family of six driving a Yukon XL!

I see all of the cute little mini-SUVs driving around town, and I'd love to own one. The Toyota Prius is adorable and fun to drive. I also think that the Toyota Venza and the Nissan Murano are great-looking cars, and I have driven a Honda CRV that I really enjoyed driving. Rowland and I even spent an entire day trying to figure out how our family could down-size. The problem is that we can't! Carson is in high school now, taller than I am; William is right behind him, gaining on me; and then there are three more of us, not including our huge Lab Sage.

Just this past week, I took the three younger kids to the cabin for a week while they're off track. By the time that we had the car loaded, there was barely room for Sage to lie down in the back. Reality is that we needed every single inch of that monster SUV. We didn't even have room for Rowland and Carson! (Of course, after shopping during the week, we barely made it home! That's a whole different issue!)

I appreciate the Cash for Clunkers idea. I would love to be able to help out by driving a less fuel hungry car. I hear the comments about my tank. Bottom line, though...all of that to say....I'll do my best to conserve. In fact, I even have re-usable bags for groceries. I'll be as green as I can be, but I'm driving my big SUV as long as my family needs it. The rest of the world, including my kids, can just GET OFF MY BACK!!

Everybody in the Car!

2009-09-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

I was having a mommy memory a couple of days ago and have been thinking about it each time that we load up the fam lately. When the children were smaller, and there were only three of them, I remember one of my greatest frustrations. I could NEVER get the children in the car with one simple command, "Everybody, get in the car!" Instead, I would have to say it over and over and over again as I would run around the house doing last minute things. In fact, my goal was to get them in the car so that I could pick up the house quickly on my way out the door. (This worked GREAT when we were selling houses!)

I remember talking to Lisa S who was the Teaching Pastor's wife at our church in Little Rock. She had four children, and her youngest was in second or third grade. My oldest was in first or second grade with the younger two being around two and three, I think. She made a great observation in that conversation. "Don't tell them to get into the car over and over again. Wait and tell them when you REALLY mean it." Good point, Lisa!! Her advice didn't solve my problem, though, because I, of course, didn't change!

My problem has been changed, though, because my children DID change! We spent a few days in Breck while the kids were off track, and I noticed that every child can pack for him/herself, prepare a bag of toys or electronics, put their stuff in the car, AND get in the car with one simple request on my part! While I definitely enjoyed their babyhood (probably not a word), I DEFINITELY enjoy EVEN MORE that when I say, "Everybody in the car," the car fills with people, and those people even have my keys waiting for me when I finally get into the car!!! Now, that's what I call progress!!!!!!

Everybody in the Car!!!

Just Doesn't Get It

2009-09-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

Jia's in first grade this year and having a great year. She is also the child who shares EVERYTHING - TWICE! (Must've gotten it from Rowland?) She came home from school a couple of days ago and asked me if I'd like to hear what happened at school that day. Not wanting to disappoint her, I said, "Sure."

The conversation went something like this:

"I had to change desks today because I was looking on my neighbor's paper."

"Honey, why were you looking on your neighbor's paper?"

"Because I didn't know the answer."

Duh! "Did you feel badly when the teacher moved you?"

"No. I got to move back when the test was over."

"Honey, you understand that you can't look on your neighbor's paper anymore, right?"

"But, Mom, what if I don't know the answer?"

Hmmm......

She also shared with me that she had never "gotten" to sit in the "private office" chair. Thinking that this was a great privilege, I asked her what she needed to do to be able to sit in this special location. Jia: "Talk to my neighbors instead of doing my work."

Just not sure she gets it.....

My Little Swimmer

2009-08-19T07:30:00.001-07:00

Jia's in her second round of swim lessons, and while I'd like to see her teacher push her to progress a little faster, Jia's doing a great job. The good thing about her teacher's slow pace is that Jia loves to go, making life easier for mom!

Yesterday, they had a short segment on the use of life jackets and what to do if you're ever in cold water, how to huddle together, etc. Of course, Momma on the side of the pool was thinking, "What exactly are the odds of this six year old getting stranded in ocean water with seven other people? Could we just do some 'swimming?'" Just in case, though, she's prepared!

Jia Floating in Her Life Jacket

My Princess Getting Out of the Pool

And, Of Course, Always a Pose!!!

More China Days

2009-08-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

In between the orphanage and playing at the church, we had some time to sight see and SHOP!!!! During my last visit to China, we visited the Emperor's Summer Palace in southern China. This time, we visited the Forbidden City, the site of "The Last Emperor" and other movies surrounding that time period. It is truly overwhelming as the grounds go on and on. There were specific areas in which only the emperor could walk. There were also different palace receiving areas depending on how close to the emperor that one was. It's such a special piece of China's history, and the buildings were beautiful.

Carson, Rowland, and I at the Forbidden City

A Clueless Denver Nuggets "Fan" (Colorado is loved everywhere!!)

The Beautiful Gardens

Rowland STRONGLY Questioned the Rating System!!

Tiananmen Square is directly across the street from the Forbidden City. In 1989, there was a huge student protest that unfortunately ended in bloodshed. When you realize the cry that was being heard around the world, it's a special place to walk.

The View of the Forbidden City from the Square

The Square

Anita and I Posing when Rowland Was Looking for an Action Shot Instead!

The Great Wall was another one of our site-seeing adventures. Suffice it to say that it is a BUNCH of steps that extend for thousands of miles. Anita and I climbed a few, then headed back down to do a little shopping while the guys hiked further up the wall. Once again, we weren't where we were supposed to be when the guys came looking for us. It really wasn't our fault, though. Shopping is an occupation, not a hobby for girls like us!

It Just Goes On and On and On and On

The Group on the Wall

Anita and I Just Before We Got "Lost" Shopping
(Check out the cool parasol and hat! Definite fashion statements! HA!)

Girls Just Wanna Have Fu-un!!!

2009-08-11T07:08:00.001-07:00

Saturday was another work in the yard day for me! Two days in a row, I have cleaned out our backyard. I have accumulated 17 bags of yard trash as well as 12 bundles of sticks. If you could see how small my backyard was, you'd wonder what kind of forest was living behind us! There's still work to be done, but it's SO much better.

The boys were at a car show with Rowland so the girls each had a friend over to play while I worked. As you can see, I actually stopped long enough to make lunch, including soup! Pretty good for the non-cooking mom!!! They had such a good time playing together!

The Four Girls Having Lunch Outside

KeKe and G

Jia and Her New Best Friend (Cayden, You'll NEVER be Replaced!!)

BTW, thanks for the prayers yesterday. Carson had a good day of school, mostly just learning the school rules and his schedule, meeting the teachers, junk stuff.... He walked home with Zach, a friend from church whom I REALLY like. They hung out all afternoon, making the day even better for him.

Today, the 10th - 12th graders show up for school! MORE, BIGGER prayers!!!

Another Milestone

2009-08-10T07:34:00.000-07:00

My Almost-Grown Son

My baby Carson is no more! He started high school today, walking down the street with his friend..... He didn't even need to be taken to school, completely self-sufficient. Of course, his dad did make his lunch and print out his schedule from the computer. His momma dried his hair for him. I guess he still needs us a little!

I can honestly say that I am very, very proud of the young man whom he has become. He is a delight to be around, funny, intelligent, and even showing some of that softness that he seemed to have hidden away in middle school. He is rapidly becoming an awesome guitar player and is also teaching himself harmonica. In spite of his "old" parents, he seems to enjoy hanging out with us. This weekend, he went to a car show with his dad, and he hung out at the park with all of the adults in Life Group last night. He's much better about helping me around the house when I'm in a panic and has such an even nature like his dad. Best of all, he didn't complain once about having his momma take "First Day of School" pictures!!!

Yes, He's Definitely Much Taller Than His Momma!

Two Peas in a Pod

Pray for my baby as you think about him. I know that the next four years will be trying times for him (and us, too, I'm sure!). He has a good foundation and a loving and supportive family, but he's the one who will have to make the real-life choices that will help him become the man he will be. God, I'm thankful that you're walking to school with him!!!

ROTFL (Are those the right letters?)

2009-08-06T17:24:00.000-07:00

In the midst of the "work" that we did while in China, we definitely had lots of time for laughter. Anita and I are lucky that Rowland didn't leave us in China or at least lock us out of the apartment on several occasions - and no alcohol was even involved! We laughed more over those eleven days than I remember laughing in a long time. I doubt seriously that China will grant Anita and me visas at the same time!!

Anita and I in One of Our Constant Photo Op Poses

We definitely were not laughing at the Chinese people, and most of the time, we weren't laughing at the other people in the group. We just laughed at each other, making stupid jokes on a continual basis.

Anita in Her Quite Fashionable Hat at the Great Wall

Since Rowland, Carson, Anita, and I were staying in a small apartment, often Galen and Shaun would come over to hang out as well. The bathroom was RIGHT THERE so that everyone watching TV or talking in the den could hear the person in the bathroom tinkling. Although there was a fan, the odor from turning on the fan made it something we preferred not to use - even to drown out the noise.

One afternoon, we were all hanging out, and one of us (we'll call her "Anita") had to go tinkle. She made a joke, asking me to create a diversion so that all of the men in the den wouldn't hear her. Being the amazing friend that I am, I jumped into the middle of the den and in my best cheerleader voice, asked all of the guys to join me in "If You're Happy and You Know It." Now, the truly hysterical part, you will have to picture in your mind. Galen, Shaun, Carson, and sometimes Rowland sang along with me and even did the hand motions. I kept having to encourage them as they would begin to drag at the end of each verse. They hung in there, though, finally completing the song as I jumped up and down with my hands in the air "Woo Hoo-ing" them! As I was standing my the bathroom door, I could hear Anita falling off the toilet in laughter! Finally, Rowland said in a less than enthusiastic voice, "That was so that we wouldn't hear her using the bathroom, right?" So I'm 43 going on 16, and Anita's 39 going on 17, but those men DID participate, so how old does that make them??????

The Guys Trying to Get As Far Away from Us As Possible

Another hysterical thing that happened was one evening when I was hanging out with one of the unnamed people in the group. We were sitting on a bench in the courtyard when all of a sudden, I felt the bench move and looked underneath it, expecting to see an animal that was underneath. The person sitting with me was falling off the bench in laughter when I came up from under the bench. Turns out, the "animal" under the bench was actually a silent, non-smelling toot that rumbled the bench! Now, anyone who knows me will tell you that I don't laugh at fart or burp jokes, and I don't approve of discussing bodily functions, but I laughed until I cried and haven't stopped yet!

One of the funniest and yet un-funniest things that happened was while we were at the orphanage in the volunteer housing. Anita and I had a room to ourselves with two full-size beds. As we went to get into bed, I saw a HUGE albino lizard (or gecco or salamander or maybe even a shark) climbing on the wall above my bed. It quickly skirted behind the air conditioning unit on the wall. Now, I'm not afraid of a little lizard, and water bugs are just a common household occurrence in Arkansas, but I don't know anything about lizard-looking animals in China. Do they bite? Will their venom kill you while you sleep? Do they leap? As Anita got out her camera waiting for the perfect photo opp, I went in and awakened two of the Chinese girls who were staying in the next room.

One of the sweet girls was just as afraid as me while the other decided that Anita and I were hallucinating. She shoved paper behind the air unit, tapped on it, and shone the camera light behind it. Her determination is that we had imagined the creature. She kept saying in her very best English, "Are you SURE? Are you absolutely SURE you saw something? Are you definitely SURE?" After a while, I began to doubt that we were even in China and decided that the whole thing was one big hallucination. She did reassure us that IF there were an albino lizard in our room, and she was certain that there wasn't, it wouldn't hurt us. She explained that China was full of these harmless creatures and left us for her own bedroom. Anita and I looked at each other, and before a word was spoken, knew that it was going to be a "spooning" night for us in her bed across the room from the imaginary lizard!

Our Chinese Friends Trying to Help While Anita Takes Pictures Under the Unit to Try to Find the Lizard

Although there were SO many funny times, one of my favorites was that each morning Carson and Rowland would get up at 4:30 a.m., and Carson would sit in the den of the tiny apartment playing the guitar. Poor Anita was awakened EVERY morning at 4:30 to the theme from "The Office" being played by my precious son. He even learned a couple of new tunes that he tried out on her early in the morning, but she never seemed to like his repertoire! Finally, one day while Rowland and I were napping, she determined that she was going to keep Carson awake so that he'd sleep at night. Each time he tried to fall asleep, she'd wake him up again. Over and over, she'd awaken him until she eventually quit trying. Sure enough, he was up at 4:30 the next morning. Sad thing is that Ms. Anita seems to have a problem with forgiveness and is still plotting her revenge on Mr. Carson!!

Carson Practicing His Morning Wake-Up Song While Watching the Office

One thing that I was definitely reminded of while in China is that God is a God of laughter!! And I'm pretty sure that He was laughing along with us - or more likely, AT us!!

Rowland "Riding" an Exercise Saddle

The McDonald's Delivery Guy

Silly Americans at Hard Rock Cafe, Beijing

Lovely Faces, Sweet Smiles, and Beautiful Voices

2009-08-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

On Thursday and Friday of our trip, the team went to a privately-run orphanage/foster home established for vision-impaired orphans. The founders of Bethel are Guillaume and Delphine Gauvain, natives of France, and they began the foster home about six years ago. What an amazing place!!!

There are about 35 children who live there ranging in age from a small infant to 20 years old. A couple of the children have had cataract surgery and are able to see; several children are blind and autistic; one of the children has CP and was a vegetable, only able to move his eyes yet two days before our visit, he took his first steps! Truly a God miracle!!! The rest of the children are visually impaired or completely blind. All of the children learn to read Braille in Chinese and English, speak Chinese, English, and French, sing songs in all three languages, and love to sing "adult" praise songs to the Lord. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched and listened to those precious children sing praise songs with big smiles on their faces. I truly can't express the emotion that filled my heart. These children have virtually nothing but the love of the workers in that home and, even more importantly, the love of Jesus in their hearts. No one but God could put those beautiful smiles on those precious faces!!

The Precious Boy with CP and Blindness

Some of the Children Singing for Us

Hanging Out with the Kids

The Children Eating with Their Mommas

There are round-the-clock "mommas" assigned to the children. In only a matter of months, all of the children and mommas will have moved into houses built on site. Children will range in age just as they do in a traditional family, and the children will be raised in these homes. Furniture has been donated by businesses such as IKEA. The playground equipment in the center of the houses has been donated as well. The foster home is completely run on donations from companies and individuals. In fact, if you would be interested in "sponsoring" a child, you can go to www.bethelchina.org for more information. (There are also many articles about this amazing orphanage on the internet as it was the first blind orphanage in China.)

The Houses for the "Families"

The Playground in the Center of the Homes

Bethel grows its own food, has its own goats, chickens, and bunnies, and is self-sustaining in these ways. The staff also teaches the children life skills such as cleaning their rooms, making their beds, being responsible for folding and putting away clothes, cooking, etc. All of the children are very well-mannered and will be trained in some area so that they will eventually be able to support themselves. Those who will never be self-sufficient will be able to remain at the home throughout their lives.

Farmland

The Children's Incredibly Neat Rooms

The Children Making Cookies

Rowland, Carson, and I fell in love with one of the little boys named Michael. He's William's age, LOVES to play the drums, and calls Rowland and Carson each "guitar man." He was able to distinguish them, though, and after carefully examining Rowland's hair, told Rowland that he had "old hair." You can imagine how much more in love with him I was at that point!! We had such a special time with Michael and are sponsoring him, praying for his forever family, and even asking God (although we feel we already know that the door is closed for us) if we are that family. Please join us in prayer for a special family for this amazing boy!

Michael and Our Family

Michael Playing the Drum with Carson

Michael with Rowland

And as we said good-bye, I knew that I would never forget some of those children. Their little faces and sweet voices will be forever imprinted in my heart and mind. Thank you, God, for giving them people on this Earth who will love them with Your hands and Your feet, and may You bring their forever families to each one of them SOON.

More from China

2009-08-04T08:01:00.000-07:00

One of the main purposes of our trip was to lead worship at BICF, Beijing International Christian Fellowship, a church for those in China who have a foreign passport. It is a church of about 6,000 people, and there are services in Chinese, English, French, Portugese, and possibly others. The church is held in a state theater, and there are several services going on at the same time. We, of course, led the English services.

It was a great experience being with so many people from all over the world worshiping our Lord together. Unfortunately, we cannot get the video to upload so I can't share that, but when people truly CHOOSE to worship in a country like China, the Holy Spirit definitely shows up in a big way!

Our Practice Room on Saturdays

Rowland Learning to Play the "Two String"

My Handsome Son

Anita Getting Her Priorities Straight

Tomorrow....the tears will flow from my eyes as I relive our amazing experience at the orphanage!!

The Beginning of a Great Adventure (Or Jumping Hurdles)

2009-08-03T01:37:00.000-07:00

Our Group Ready for God's Adventure

Since it's 2:37 in the a.m., and I can't sleep (ugh!), I thought I'd share a little about the beginning of our latest China adventure. Six of us went on the trip, Rowland, Carson (our 14 year old), my best friend Anita (China will NEVER be the same!), Shaun (our 18 year old drummer, and Galen (our keyboardist), and of course, me. We went to lead worship at a 6,000 member church in Beijing, Beijing International Christian Fellowship (BICF) and to spend some time at an orphanage for visually impaired children.

Carson, Possibly the World's Best Traveler, and His Proud Momma

Carson, Rowland, and I had been to China and knew a little of what to expect. The rest were in for a new adventure. We left for the airport at 5:00 a.m. and made our flight just fine. We had a short layover in San Francisco where Rowland and Carson's guitar, which had been gate-checked, were lost in baggage claim. Four of us literally ran for the international terminal as our plane was late while Carson and Rowland went on the great guitar chase. I literally begged and begged for the guy at the United desk to let us get on the plane as we weren't there early enough. Finally, he agreed, and we stalled as much as possible waiting for Carson and Rowland to show up at the desk. I sent Anita, Shaun, and Galen ahead and kept calling for updates on my guys. I thought that if I waited for them and tried my begging act again, the United man would take pity on us and let us all on the plane. Instead, he said that they were too late, and now I was too late, too. Initially, he told us that he couldn't get us on a plane until the following night, which meant we'd miss rehearsal for the Sunday gig. After more begging and Rowland's level-headed explanation, the guy put us on a flight that would leave SF a few hours later, go through Tokyo, and put us in Beijing six hours behind the rest of the group. We tried to switch everyone to the new flight, but there was no room. Rowland called Anita who was running to the gate and told her that they HAD to get on that plane. He gave her our itinerary, and I sent my best friend (the same one I'd promised to take care of) off to China without me. Honestly, I felt so guilty for wanting to be with my family and not being on the plane with Anita. In the end, though, we all made it to Beijing. Hurdle number one cleared!

The Plane We All Rode on Together!

Hurdle number two came when we arrived at the airport in Beijing, realizing that the first group didn't have information on where they'd be staying, a necessity to get into the country. Never to be outsmarted, though, Anita had a flight attendant give her an address to a random hotel in Beijing and even had him translate into Chinese that the driver who was to pick us up needed to come back at 8:10 that night to get the whole group. Hurdle number two partially cleared!

Satan likes to throw hurdles our way, and he was very clever, but God was still on our side. The driver never showed up, nor did the first group's luggage. Supposedly, it was in Beijing, then it was with China Air, then it was at the hotel where Shaun and Galen were staying, then it was lost in thin air. As Rowland found a van for us, hurdle number three was partially cleared!

Fortunately, the guys had brought some change of clothes in their carry-ons, and Anita and I wear the same size. You know when you have a friend, and you think she has cute clothes? Well, Anita and I are lucky in that respect! She looked so good in my clothes that I couldn't wait to wear them again!! Still jumping hurdle number four!

Since Rowland, Carson, Anita, and I were staying in an apartment, we had to register with the police. After searching and searching and searching and searching and searching, we finally happened upon the police station. Apparently, no one we asked either understood what our hand signs for gun and stamp on a paper meant OR they've never been arrested! After literally walking for half a day, we found the police station, turned in all of the documents that were required, including the man's lease whose apartment we were "renting," and they said that we didn't have everything we needed. Since none of us could figure out what was missing, we decided to remain in cognito the rest of the trip! Hurdle dumped but cleared nonetheless!

Galen and Shaun Hanging in Our Apartment

At that point, Galen, Shaun, and the almighty Anita headed back to the airport to run all over the place looking for luggage that was still "somewhere." Supposedly, it would be delivered by 10:00 that night. Right! Instead, Anita and I went shopping for our football player Shaun in a country where there is NO ONE his size and definitely NO clothing his size. We ended up finding some shorts, though, for $5 that he could wear to church the next morning. Exhausted, Anita shopped in my closet once again. (I can't wait for my payback!!) Still working on that hurdle!

Anita in My Clothes - Gorgeous, Huh?

With help from the States, the luggage was found at Air China - except it wasn't at Air China. We also discovered that it had indeed been delivered to the hotel - NOT! I had just about decided that I should've double-packed when, from our of nowhere, the bags appeared Sunday afternoon. We still don't know where they came from or how they got to the hotel, but we were definitely thanking God! Hurdles cleared!!!

Then, the REAL adventure began....

Home!

2009-07-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

We arrived home from China this afternoon, and I've been a complete zombie. In fact, on the plane, I fell asleep on Rowland's shoulder and started singing "Happy Birthday" out loud. I was dreaming that I was having a birthday party for a much younger Carson, and we were at Burger King singing to him. Then, on the way home, I asked Joe, our neighbor who picked us up, what time Jeannie got home (from work in my mind). Duh! Jeannie doesn't work anymore and hasn't for a year!

Probably not the best time to blog, but I'm excited to share our adventures. I LOVE the Chinese people!!! They're so kind and helpful and lead such a simple life while seeming to be content. As I've made new "friends" through the week, I have prayed continually that they would hear God's Word and fall in love with Jesus.

Home is always SWEET, though, and my mom survived the eleven days with the three younger children. Their hugs and squeals filled my heart with joy, and I'm looking forward to spending time with my mom in the next few days.

Stay tuned for fun pictures and more details!!

Sadness

2009-07-15T09:21:00.001-07:00

William with Valentino

Our precious cat with more personality than any other animal we've ever owned was eaten by coyotes two nights ago. William found his tail in the backyard. Please pray for William and Kitty. William cried all afternoon and cried himself to sleep. Jeannie, William's adopted aunt across the street, had crumb cake ready for him for breakfast this morning. He loves crumb cake, and it definitely lifted his spirits, but he's still very sad. In fact, we're all very sad. We loved our funny kitty, and he is very missed.

Valentino in His Favorite Sleeping Spot

Dr. Doolittle with Valentino and Sage

William with His Buddy

Happy 4th of July

2009-07-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

We had a fabulous 4th of July hanging out at our adopted family's house, the Zaccagninos who live across the street. They always include us when their son and his family drive up from Colorado Springs. Jeannie never fails to have too much yummies around either! After water balloon fights (Jeannie is crazy!), horse shoes, croquet, "swimming" in the hot tub, watching Wipeout, and just hanging out, the men put on a fun fireworks display in the street between our houses.

Hanging Out in Our Neighbor's Driveway While the Men Do the Work

William Partially Clothed (As Usual!!)

Kitty Striking a Pose

Carson and Eli Getting into Some Mischief!

Joe, the Man of the Hour

Jeannie and Joe's son, Bobby, is in the Army and heads up a rifle brigade. He gets shipped out fairly often and has always come back unharmed. It was a special celebration for us this year as we were able to celebrate his safe return this past March and honor his service to our country. Aren't he and Melody the cutest couple? And gorgeous boys! Watch out, girls!!

Melody and Bobby

Robert and Jia (Maybe Another Handsome Couple Someday?)

Rowland was home sick, and we missed him, but we still had such a good time! Thanks, Joe and Jeannie for letting us be your family, too!!

Back to School - Really!

2009-07-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

First Day of School Pictures

The three younger kids headed back to school today. We're in year-round schools so their five week break has ended. The good news is that they'll have school for nine weeks, then have three weeks off again in September. They were each excited - William to see his friends, Kitty to go to a new school, and Jia to get to sit in a real desk since she's in first grade now! They also each came home with big smiles and had fantastic days. My babies are in 5th, 4th, and 1st grades, and this is the first year since Carson was born when I haven't had any little people at home with me at least a few days a week. I'd like to say that I'm excited, but instead, I'm a little sad. I guess now I won't have too many excuses for not having time to get my house cleaned and the laundry done. Who knows? I might even start cooking dinner!! Nah! I don't want to get overly committed!!

Headed to the Bus Stop

Who Taught Me to Love My Babies?

2009-07-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading an excellent memoir by Susanna Sonnenberg entitled "Her Last Death." Let me start by saying that I would not recommend this book to everyone as it is full of drugs, sex, extravagant lifestyle to the far reaches of excess, and incredibly poor parenting. In fact, I would hardly call Susanna's mother a "parent" as she introduced her daughter to her own world of drugs and sex at the age of eight. Her mother most definitely would be labeled abusive, physically, emotionally, and verbally. The emotional damage as well as the early introduction to sex and drugs caused Susanna incredible problems as she grew to adulthood. Sex to her became a tool, a means of feeling self-fulfilled, even successful, as she conquered many, many men and used them to get her way or just to have power over them for a few days or even a night.

The most poignant part of the book is the last quarter, as Susanna moves to Montana to attempt to settle down with a man who NEVER lied, quite the opposite of her mother and her who seldom told the truth. Somehow, Christopher, her future husband, taught her the value of love, of commitment to one another, and even helped her change her view of sex as an act to the true togetherness of making love.

Eventually, Susanna and Christopher had two boys, and she had to cut her mother out of her life because of the drugs and her fear for how she might teach her sons some of the same things Susanna had been taught at such an early age. Sad life, huh?

To me, this part of the book was refreshing, showing the healing power of true love and true commitment. In the last chapter, she recounts a few scenes from her childhood not yet told. They were glimpses into brief moments when her mother actually showed her how to love her boys. The most touching was when she was three, and she recalled her mother bending down over the bathtub, wrapping Susanna in a towel, and carrying her with her wet head lying on her shoulder into the bed, whispering that she loved her. Those moments were the moments that she realized had shaped her in the ways she DID want to parent her boys.

Those moments brought back memories of who taught me how to love my babies. My mother had her faults, as well do I and every other mother! I can honestly say, though, that she loved her babies with a fierce love, and she was always available to show us just how much. My mother was the one who taught me to listen to my children, their long stories, their happy moments, their tears. She taught me to be happy when they are happy and to be sad when they are sad. She taught me the importance of attending school parties, field trips, plays, dance recitals, and all of those things that are highly important to my children. She taught me to be a cheerleader for my kids, to be an advocate when they needed one, to encourage them to be independent and stand up for themselves. She showed me through her example how special it is to tuck my children in at night, to pray with them, and kiss them softly. My mother never tires of saying, "I love you," and to this day, we don't end a phone conversation or a visit without saying those three special words. My children, likewise, hear "I love you" almost as often as they hear their names. Just as my mother had nicknames for us, I have nicknames for my babies..."princess, big guy, baby, Keke-doll, Shenners, Nator, Meister-man, love-bug, sweetie......" My momma taught me how to fake a sweet tone when I feel like screaming, "I'M DONE!!!!" Yes, she taught me to love my babies with a fierce love, a love that I didn't know that I had inside of me!

Momma with Flat Stanley (for her Grandchild, of course!)

Another special person who taught me to love my babies when they truly were babies is my precious sister-in-law Danea. I watched her with my beautiful niece Amanda as she would bathe her, wrap her tightly in a blanket, rock her, talk to her, and put her before Danea's own happiness. Although I feel partially responsible for raising my little brother Troy who was born when I was 14, once Carson was born, I looked to Danea for how to take care of his little needs. I watched her as she would hold him and other babies, the way that she could always calm them with her soft movements, her sweet voice, and her tight hold. (I also learned to clean house, keep my mouth shut when necessary, and fight for the love of my life by watching Danea, but I suppose that's another blog!)

Danea with Her Firstborn, Beautiful Amanda

Who taught me to love my babies? I'd have to say that I learned by example by watching the two most special ladies in my life. Thank you, Momma, and thank you, Danea, not just for teaching me to love my babies but also for helping me through this journey of learning to love myself. Words cannot express the debt that I owe each of you and how thankful I am that God gave me just the right momma and just the right sister!! I love you both with all of my heart and all of my soul!! And I love my babies with every single piece of me!!

Happy Birthday, Princess KeKe-Doll!!

2009-06-30T20:38:00.000-07:00

The Birthday Girl

My sweet big girl turned nine years old today! It seems like just yesterday she was my appendage, and now she's Miss Independent, Miss Personality, and unfortunately, Miss Attitude!! What a fabulous day she had today! I love hearing all of the giggles even as I sit here typing. The fun goes on and on!!

After her daddy took her to lunch, Kitty came home and opened her family presents. She had asked for the big Pix-o's set and a BMX bike, and she got them both. Her Nana sent her a beautiful Madame Alexander doll from Armenia to add to her collection, and she got money to spend from other family members. Of course, she already knows where to spend it!!

Tonight, we met a few of her friends at Justice for the "I Want to Be a Rock Star" party, and the girls had a great time. After they were "beautified" and had played a couple of games, we met the rest of the family at Parry's Pizza for dinner, and her big sister Hollie sang "Happy Birthday" to her. What a treat!!

The Makeovers Begin

The Rock Stars

Momma and Her Big Girl

Big Sister Hollie and Kitty

Manly Torture

Once home, it was chocolate cake and smores with lots of laughter!! It's almost 10:00, and there's no sign of things calming down anytime soon!! Wonder when the SLEEP part of the SLEEPOVER begins!! Happy Birthday, Our Beautiful Princess!!! We love you so much and are so proud of you and your sweet friends!!!

Chocolate Cake and Wishes

Smores

Faithful in My Unfaithfulness

2009-06-29T22:08:00.000-07:00

Since I wrote last week about feeling so lonely, God has been amazingly faithful to me once again. That very day, I ran to Target and ran into two friends from church. Both are people I really like and in both instances, I knew that it was a God thing. I know that He was showing me that I am only alone when I want to be alone, that there are people whom He has placed in my life to fill that loneliness if I just reach out to them. I immediately thanked him for those friends.

I spent almost the entire day on the phone with my dear sister-in-law Danea, and we laughed and talked about life until I felt my "tank" become full once again. After all, she is only a phone call away, and she loves me and has loved me for so long. Not many people in this world have a best friend who has been there through thick and thin for 25 years. Again, I thanked God for reminding me of that special friendship.

The next day I spoke to my precious friend Anita and shared my feelings with her. She is incredibly helpful in the way that she listens and helps me think through my schedule, the reality of life. She also volunteered to help me sort through what I want my life to look like, where I want to spend my time, and encouraging me to make time for myself and my friends. Thank you, God, for your faithfulness in providing me with a special friend here.

I even picked up the phone and made a McDonald's play date with a hysterical friend from Bible study. She always makes me laugh, and her kids are sweet boys. We had such a good time just being together and talking about things that don't matter, laughing and filling my "tank" some more. God has blessed me with people like Amy M. who make me laugh and are just "real" people.

Anita and I spent time at the pool one day with the children and enjoyed visiting all the way through dinner with the families. There aren't too many relationships where the husbands seem to enjoy each other as much as the wives enjoy each other. God has been faithful in providing that with David and Anita.

Tonight, we cooked out and had a great time. The kids played great together, and it was a time of laughter and teasing that feeds my soul. As we lay around on the couches in the den, I saw again God's faithfulness in providing people in my life who accept my husband, my children, and me just as we are.

I'm still working through some areas of my life, trying to figure out what God wants my days to look like when the kids are back in school in a week and a half. I truly am unsure of the future, but one thing I do know is that God has shown me His faithfulness, and I know that He will not leave me stranded to figure everything out on my own. I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't fulfilled my two week promise of eating well, working out, and spending time in the Word. Fortunately, I follow a God who doesn't keep count. He loves me regardless of my faithfulness, and He is ALWAYS true to His Word, Faithful.

The End of a Career

2009-06-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

Our Prima Ballerina

Jia worked so hard this year JUST FOR the recital. Since she saw Kitty in her two recitals when they were younger, Jia has always wanted to be in a recital. She knew that she would have to attend about 36 times before she would be able to step foot on that big stage, and she worked so hard to get there. Each Thursday morning, she would ask me, "What's today?" When I'd tell her it was Thursday, she'd say, "Oh, no, dance..." She made it, though, and she was a beautiful ballerina. Sadly (?), her career has ended.....She did a fabulous job, though.

Mary Poppins' Girls
(Jia is the next to the last on the right.)

Jia Riding Her Horse

Two Sisters

William and Jia

Daddy with His Princess (and a Rose)

Three Stars Are Born!!!

2009-06-26T21:03:00.000-07:00

William and Kitty finished Drama Camp today and had their performance. Each of them had speaking parts and solos, and they definitely got their dance moves from their momma! Those two can move it, move it!!!

William's Monologue

Kitty "Footloose"

Carson also finished Rock Band Camp and had his concert tonight. We all enjoyed watching and listening to his guitar leads and bass playing - and you should that kid on the shaker! He can chew gum, shake the shaker, tap his foot, and bob his head all at the same time. Multi-tasking at its finest!!!!

William and I Waiting for the Rock Concert

Carson Playing Bass at the Concert

The Rockers' Curtain Call

Rowland Running Sound

William and Jia Playing DS at Chili's Afterwards

Rowland and I Enjoying Dinner

Kitty and Dee

Momma and Her Rocker Son (Nice Face, Carson!)

William's Big Performance

2009-06-25T20:57:00.000-07:00

William is a member of his school choir, and he has quite a good voice, too! He's sung several solos in different places, and he does a fabulous job. His choir had the amazing honor of singing "The Star Bangled Banner" at the Colorado Rockies game. The choir director is fantastic, and the kids sounded super!

The Choir on the Field

The Boy Has His Own Sense of Style!

Big Brother Still Carries the "Baby"

Kitty with Her Precious Friend

We all had a great time, and the Rockies won!!!

P.S. HAPPY 21ST ANNIVERSARY TO MY PRECIOUS SISTER AND ROWLAND'S BROTHER!!!

Just Don't Get It.....

2009-06-24T21:09:00.001-07:00

How do you go from running crazy, wishing life would slow down for just a moment, a completely packed schedule to nothing, loneliness and depression? I read constantly, and I'm actually reading books that are fun and hold my interest, keep me enthralled. I still have my four children and my husband and my home to care for, and yet...the loneliness and depression.

Carson is in Rock Band Camp this week so he's very busy with that. William and Kitty are in Drama Camp this week, and they're having a blast, very busy and loving every minute of it. Jia hangs with me, and we ran errands today, got manicures, had lunch, even stopped by the library to get library cards.

As my niece would say, "It's a Kitty-ism." This particular Kitty-ism is one I could live without! All of the little ones will be back in school July 8th, and then what? I've committed to NOT committing to anything except my weekly doctor's appointment and Sunday morning children's service and Worship Team. There has to be a place in-between the running until I'm about to lose it and the feeling that it's hard to even get up in the morning, the waiting all day until I can go to sleep at night.

How can someone living in a house full of people be so lonely? What am I supposed to be doing? I miss my Danea, my precious sister-in-law and bestest friend in the Universe. I miss my Mom. At times like this, I miss my husband who's upstairs in bed. It's just loneliness and a feeling of emptiness, and it absolutely sucks!

Telluride

2009-06-23T17:54:00.000-07:00

On the way home from Durango, we took a side trip through Telluride. We just happened into Telluride the day of the re-enactment of the bank robbery by Butch Cassidy and his gang. It was a quaint little downtown with a small festival set up along the main road.

Downtown Telluride Ready for the Festival

Butch and the Gang Heading in for a Drink

Amazing Indian Dancing

Three of My Babies Watching the Dancers

Lunch at a Local Burger Joint

Still Not Too Big for Momma's Lap

The Fam Walking Down Main Street

Stagecoach Rides

Our Drive Home through the Storm and the Rainbow

Durango Trip

2009-06-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

Pictures are worth a thousand words!! We had a blast in Durango. Here are a few pictures to enjoy!!

So Much Excitement for a Long Car Ride

Steam Train from Durango to Silverton

Old Technology Meets New (IPhone, ITouch, DS)

Lunch at The Bent Elbow in Silverton

Carson's Almost a Man

My Babies and I Eating "Texas" BBQ - NOT!!

I Love My Man!!!!

A Hat Shop in Durango

Jia with a Flamingo on Her Head

Sheik Carson

The Brewster!!

TOMORROW......Telluride!

Happy Father's Day!!

2009-06-21T12:51:00.001-07:00

My Prince Charming

When I was dating, I was looking for someone who would love me with all of his heart, who would take care of me, and who would never leave me. I knew that I wanted to have children and that I'd like to be a stay-at-home mom, but I never really considered what kind of daddy I was looking for for my future children. Thankfully, God had that taken care of for me.

Rowland is an amazing father. The joke around here is that he's Mr. Mom, and that if I'm to win Mom of the Year, I'll have to beat out my husband! He spends time with each one of the children, whether it's teaching Carson a new guitar lick, taking William to a Rockies game, having breakfast with little Kitty, or taking Jia to Mark Pi's for her favorite lunch. No matter how tired he gets, he always has the extra energy to tuck the kids into bed when I'm on my last leg. He talks to the kids and knows what's important to them, then shows them through his actions that those things are important to him as well. Rowland is very sentimental when it comes to his children. Those moments that move a momma to tears get him crying before the tears fill my eyes. He truly cherishes each child, and each child knows it! He affirms them; he hugs them; he spends time with them; he teases and laughs with them; and most of all, he ALWAYS sacrifices for them!

The Kids Watching the Father's Day Video from Church

Rowland and His Children

A New Corvette Clock

A Portable Hammock

Happy Father's Day to a True Daddy!!!
We love you with all of our hearts!!
(William's Hands Spread out in the Background!)

Still on the Journey

2009-06-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'm plugging along with my diet and exercise routine - not doing as well with the exercise portion, but still working ahead. I'm also spending time finishing up a little of my unfinished Beth Moore and have been reading about peace.

While I have many areas that God still needs to work through me with His Spirit, peace and self-control seem to be the biggest ones for me. Last night, I was reading about Jesus as He was taking His men through the Valley of Kidron to the Mount of Olives. He, of course, knew exactly what was to happen that night, that He would be taken into custody. He knew that one of the very men who was His closest friend was going to betray Him. As I thought about betrayals I've experienced in the past, most of them have been by the people closest to me. In fact, some of them have been by family members. I thought about the woundings, the overwhelming sense of sadness and anger that I have felt when I have been betrayed by those closest to me. Did I experience peace? Hardly! Unlike Jesus who knew that His close friend was going to betray Him in the most horrible way, I would have chosen to put MAJOR distance between myself and my betrayer on the front end had I known of the tremendous hurt and disappointment that I would experience. In a few cases, I would have rather never had those friendships had I known how they would end. Jesus, though, continued to keep Judas close to Him, in His inner circle, knowing exactly the outcome.

As Peter whacked off the ear of one of Jesus' pursuers, Jesus healed the man's ear. Now, that's true and immediate forgiveness! For me, forgiveness has taken years, and in some cases, I can't honestly say that there is not pain that wells up inside of me as I think of my perpetrators. I still have to ask for God to help me forgive in those instances. And do I experience peace? Perhaps I do after a period of time and distance, but not always.

As Jesus was led away, He knew that He was not in the hands of the soldiers or the religious leaders as the situation appeared. Instead, He accepted that He was in His Father's hands. He walked away with those men with a supernatural peace. That's the kind of peace that I want, the kind that comes not from comfortable circumstances, but the kind that can only come from the Holy Spirit. My prayer last night and today is that God would fill me with that peace that makes no situational sense at all. I want to be filled with the peace of the Holy Spirit living AND being allowed to work inside of me. I realize that that only comes from my surrender to Him. May I surrender myself each day to the Spirit's working inside of me and experience TRUE peace!!

Two Weeks - I Promise

2009-06-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

There's a group called Priority Living at my church, and I think that it's a national program. I haven't really wanted to participate because I just feel like I'll fall short in all of the areas in which you set priorities. They're things like personal priorities, home priorities, spiritual priorities, etc. It is a God-centered group, and at the end of the group time, you divide up with a partner and pray for each other, specifically in the priority areas. When you meet again, you share those areas you fell short in and put them back on your priority list while making new priorities in the areas in which you succeeded. I beat myself up constantly so I think that it would just be another place for me to realize how short I often fall. I just don't think that I can handle the pressure with all of the other things going on in my life.

I have determined, though, since we just returned from a trip to Durango, that I must gain control of my weight. A cruise, a trip to Boston, and this most recent trip have added pounds!! I lost four, and I've probably gained back a couple.

My time spent in the Word is best accomplished when I'm leading a Bible study. The leader can't show up with half of the work completed! Now that my Bible study is off for the Summer, and the kids are out of school, I've fallen short once again in feasting on God's Word, Life to my Soul!

So...for the next two weeks, I'm going to bust my tail to accomplish two priorities. I want to lose 10 pounds. (No, I don't expect to lose them all in two weeks, but I do expect to get started well!) I'm going to accomplish this first priority by eating smaller portions and working out at least five days a week. I'm even considering getting up early and going to Jazzercise. Regardless, I'm making this a public priority, and I'd so welcome your words of encouragement and prayers over the next two weeks.

Secondly, and most importantly, I'm going to spend time in the Word five days a week as well. I'm going to finish the last chapter of my Beth Moore study, the Fruit of the Spirit, then move on to one of the Gospels accompanied by journaling. I'll share some of the ways that God speaks to me personally here as well. Once again, your encouragement and prayers would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks for being my support group during these next two weeks, and I'll definitely give you updates. I'll also share pictures and precious memories from my trip to Boston with my husband and Carrie and Dave, our traveling friends from California. And, of course, I can't wait to share about our family trip to Durango!

Surely, I could eat worms for two weeks. That's nothing compared to what I'll have to do! And my time with God will be a joy! Two weeks....I promise!

Happy June 5th Birthday, Handsome!!!

2009-06-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

Our Family Minus Carson Celebrating Together

Rowland turned 47 this past Friday, and in keeping with our family's tradition, the celebration lasted two days! On Friday morning, Rowland took little Kitty and our neighbor to a car show and breakfast. That afternoon, we saw "Up" at the theater with our good friends. Great movie! And very nostalgic!!

Our Precious Friends

Kitty and Her Birthday Daddy in the Hot Rod

The Ski Country Special Mustang

Carson flew back in town so we picked him up at the school and enjoyed hanging as a family the rest of the evening.

Saturday was celebration day 2. Mostly, we just hung around the house, working in the yard and working on the cars. (I actually injured myself raking! My arm hurts so badly that I can barely type with my left hand. Note to self: No Yard Work!!!) That night, we went to Benihana's for dinner and had a great time watching the show.

Daddy with His Girls

Our Japanese (???????) Chef

Fun Memories!!

Happy Birthday, Handsome Love of My Life!!!!

Last Dance!!

2009-06-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

Ms. Lisa and Jia - Certificate of Kindergarten Dance Completion

My beautiful Jia had her last dance class of the year this week, and parents were allowed to attend and take pictures. Sweet Jia wakes up each Thursday and asks, "What's today?" When I reply, "Thursday," she sighs, "Ooooohhhhhh, dance day...." She has completed this entire year just so that she could be in the recital. In fact, the only reason that she even signed up for dance this year is so that she could be in the recital at the end of the year! Obviously, the girl is tenacious! She'll do anything to get on the stage - except smile. While the teacher reminds the girls over and over again to smile, Jia refuses. She explained to me that she didn't want to smile while everyone was watching. She only smiles when they're in the class without people watching - and that's her plan for the recital as well! Go figure!

Jia in Her Ballet Dance

Almost a Smile - But Only for the Picture

Pose with Her Parasol (For Tap Dance)

And surprise of all surprises - She's not signing up for dance next year! Too much work!

My Budding Poet

2009-05-28T07:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Kitty's 3rd grade Poetry Brunch, and each of the children chose three of their poems to read to the class and parents. Kitty did a fabulous job, of course!

Kitty Reading to the Class

Limerick -

My little sister is a pest
She made a big fat mess
She kissed the fountain
And ran the mountain
And died because of her nest
- Kitty

I did talk to her about having her sister die because of her nest, but she explained that it was supposed to be nonsensical. I even threw out some other words like "sighed" and "cried," but she said that those words wouldn't make the poem nonsensical. I suppose we'll have to stick with "died." Ugh!

I Don't Understand

I don't understand why we have pie.
I don't understand why my sisters are mean.
I don't understand why we can only live on Earth.
I don't understand why flowers only grow sometimes.
But most of all I don't understand why we have to go to school.
I DO understand that boys are mean when they like you!
- Kitty

Hollie
Smart-elec, funny
Loving, caring, snoring
Best big sister ever
Hollie tamolie
- Kitty

Kitty and Her Best Friend "H" (They planned the shirts, of course!)

Mrs. Havekost (Her New Favorite Teacher) and Kitty

Beautiful job, Sissy!! You made me proud!

Happy Middle School Graduation Day!!

2009-05-27T20:38:00.001-07:00

WE MADE IT!!!!! After three very trying years, we have made it through middle school!!! I use the term "we" because it was definitely a team effort. Carson is very bright, but has the typical middle school disease. These grades don't matter so why do the work? He does well on tests, and his homework grades are counted separately as work habit grades. Once again, they don't matter so why do the work? After all, his class grade is good because he's bright enough to breeze through the tests. In his defense, his argument does make sense; however, he must do well at his job, school, and establish good habits so that when his grades do matter next year, he'll be already in the saddle.

I must admit that there is more to a middle schooler than just grades, though. Carson is a well-liked, funny kid. All of his teachers like him a great deal (probably to his detriment), enjoy his humor, and have no problem getting him back on task. He has a lot of friends, and they're the kinds of friends you want your children to have, good kids still making good choices.

Tonight, we went out to dinner to celebrate this passage into high school. Freakin' high school!!!! Yes, my baby has arrived and seems to be ready for the challenge. The mustang at the end of the tunnel is fueling that fire right now.

Carson, Rowland, and William

William and Jia

Sissy and Momma

Momma and Her High Schooler

Congratulations, Carson! You're in the home stretch, buddy!! And we're all betting on you to win!!

A Time for Memories

2009-05-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

Lately, as you've probably noticed, I've been filled with so many memories of my children when they were younger. Tonight, I am flooded by those precious days with my firstborn.

I was always a pessimist, never thinking that anyone would choose me, that no one would ever want me for "forever." I dreamed of being a mother and a wife. I craved a child. When Rowland and I married, I became pregnant after just three months. I remember reading the pregnancy test and being so excited, trying to figure out a way to surprise Rowland with the news. I went and got a diaper, decorated it with goofy words and a stick figure of our baby-to-be, then placed it in the refrigerator where he would see it when he came home from work. Sure enough, he was just as overjoyed as I was.

The Man who Chose Me Forever

Over the next nine months, I ballooned, literally. (I also dyed my hair several different colors until my youngest brother told me that I looked like a pregnant punk rocker! That's a different story, though.) I loved feeling Carson moving inside of me. I remember moving into our new home and re-painting the baby bed that had been my little brother's. Rowland painted the room a beautiful teal green and painted clouds on the ceiling. I made a window treatments out of fabric that said, "I love daddy," placed letters on the wall spelling out Carson's name. The room was filled with bears, and lying in the middle of the baby bed was a precious onesie that I would picture our son wearing one day soon.

Me As a Balloon

Since I had a scheduled C-section, we had everything planned. My sister-in-law was in the room taking pictures, and Rowland was by my side the entire time. When that precious little (not so little at 9 pounds 6 ounces) boy was placed into my arms, I sobbed. I remember telling my mother-in-law that I now had everything I had ever wanted. I had a wonderful man who adored me, who had chosen me for life; I had the most precious baby boy I could have ever wished for.

My First Moments as a Mommy

Once home, I do remember the sleepless nights, the pain from the C-section, the relief I would feel when Carson would take his long naps as I lived in the "Twilight Zone." One of my earliest memories at home was walking into the hallway, holding my baby boy against my chest and looking in the mirror, realizing that I was his mommy, that he was really mine.

My Baby with His Blankie and His "Patise"

As Carson grew, he filled my world with joy. When he was only three years old, he could recite word for word dozens of Barney videos. He would place all of his "people" on the coffee table in the den and have them act out the various videos. He carried around a little plastic Barney for years, chewing on the hand until I thought surely it would fall off.

He didn't just love Barney, though; he also loved the musical "Cats." He would get all of his Winnie the Pooh people out and have them play the various parts in the musical, and as God is my witness, that child could have them act out and sing the entire musical! I would clear off the coffee table, and he would sit on it and play for hours.

Carson and I went everywhere together. He was my little buddy. I would take him up to the music store that we owned, and he would play in his playpen while I'd hang out with Rowland. What special, special memories. He was my toot-a-bootus, and we would hold hands, swinging them as we walked singing, "Tutti, tutti fruiti....a-rootie!"

Our Little Family

I remember his coming to the hospital and holding William for the first time, the proud big brother. Once, when William was only a few weeks old and was lying in his bouncy seat, Carson pulled the seat back as far as it would go and nearly sling-shotted him across the room!

Carson Holding His New Brother

Carson was so bright. He went to Mother's Day Out one day each week, and I would spend that day with Rowland, but I was always anxious to get back to my boy. When he started a four-year old program, he was such a big boy. I would pull up to the door, and he would walk right inside his classroom. Again, I waited anxiously for his few hours away from me to end. He always gave me the biggest hugs and the best smiles.

His First Day of Four-Year Old School

Sometime shortly after that, he turned into a little boy. He wasn't my baby anymore. It seems that it was only a couple of years ago that I released him to Kindergarten, then first grade, and now high school.

He still makes me laugh. I love his sense of humor. I cherish those moments that he lets me be his mommy. Not too long ago, I convinced him to lie on the couch with his head in my lap, and I stroked his hair for a good fifteen minutes, fifteen minutes that will have to last me until the next time he decides to lie in my lap!

My Baby and Me

I'm not sure where the time has gone. I never wished for him to grow up to be a young man. I wanted so desperately to keep him little, to feel his precious little hands in mine, to hear him sing in his sweet little boy voice, to snuggle with me while we would nap together, to squeal with delight when I picked him up from school, chattering away about his day....

I do know this, though. No matter how old he is, he will always be the one who made me a mommy, the one who truly taught me what unconditional love looks like. He'll never know the love I have for him until he walks past a hall mirror and sees his own child in his arms. And I'll always have my memories.

Carson in His Dream Car

Memorial Day - Time for Thought

2009-05-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

I want to apologize on the front end for this post will probably ramble, something difficult for a person with a degree in English. I'm up late reading another Jodi Picoult book, "Harvesting the Heart." As I'm reading, I'm wondering why I always end up reading books that are somewhat depressing, very introspective, and often about psychologically confused women. I even asked my therapist once why I always chose these types of books. They consume my mind, cause me to feel that I AM the main character, a psychologically confused woman. Most recently, I read a book "The Almost Moon" which was about a woman who had a mentally ill mother. At the very beginning of the book, she kills her older mother, then goes through strange rituals of bathing her mother, dressing her mother, and eventually accidentally dropping her down the basement stairs. As she struggles with the relationship she had with her mother and struggles with the woman she has become, she took me through dark places, places with which I couldn't identify and yet with which I seemed to identify. (No, my mother is not mentally ill!) Afterwards, I needed someone to read the book, to discuss it with me. It was so strange.

Shortly after finishing that book, I moved on to a book about a woman who was a Harvard professor and developed early onset Alzheimer's. As I read the book from her point of view, I was drawn into the thoughts and confusion of Alice in "Still Alice." As you can imagine, this book had no happy ending and left me feeling confused as well.

While Rowland and I were in Boston, I read a book called "Our Last Summer." It, too, dealt with a young, dysfunctional girl and a sister who was dying of heart disease as an older teen. Upon putting the book away, I laid in bed next to my husband and cried, telling him that I, too, was afraid that I was going to die young as I've been a smoker off and on since I was 20. Surely, my few stolen cigarettes here and there would not lead me to an early death of lung cancer. I could hardly wait to get home to my children. I held my precious Jia, wondering how she would ever be able to survive if something were to happen to me.

Rowland encouraged me to pick some happy books. I always enjoying reading a good mystery so I read a couple from one of my favorite authors, "Hide" and "Alone." While they were both excellent books, "Alone" once again took me into a world of a woman who had been horribly abused at a young age and had major psychological problems.

Finally, I read "The Double Life of Isabel Bookbinder" which was actually a very frivolous and funny book. I wasn't sad when it ended and can't wait for the next book to be published. Unfortunately, that was the author's first novel so I may have a little while to wait.

A friend suggested Janet Evanovich's books about Stephanie Plum. They're numbered 1 - 12, and although I bought the first two, Jodi Picoult's book was still calling my name. I've spent most of the day reading her book, a book about a woman whose mother left her when she was young and who doesn't feel that she has the capacity to care for her newborn child. Eventually, she, too, succumbs to her own private demons and leaves her not-very-patient husband and three-month old child. She's still on her journey, and to be honest, I'm reading as fast and furious as I can, praying for a happy ending.

So why do these books affect me so strongly? I assume it's because of my own insecurities, my own struggles with not ever feeling good enough, not ever feeling like I do things as well as other wives and mothers, not ever feeling that I have the same energy as the rest of the world seems to have. Is that my medication? Is it my fight against depression? Is it my wrong view of myself? Or could it be that I just love my family so intensely that I feel overwhelmed at times, that I NEED to hold on to every moment, and it wears me out?

One thing I do know is that I love my children fiercely. Each one of them is so special to me in unique ways. Jia still clings to me, always seeming fearful that one day I won't come back. She has the most precious giggle, and she loves snuggling with her blankie, her beary, and her momma. I'm sad that I'm losing her to all-day school in July. Will she be okay? Will I be okay?

Little Kitty is the daughter I never thought that God would allow me. I remember her ultrasound, and I still never believed she was a girl until I held her in my arms. She is so full of life, singing and dancing, being overly dramatic about almost everything, and enjoying her friends immensely. I love that she still gives me big hugs and wants to have "dates" with just me.

Then, there's my precious William. He was such a strong-willed little boy, forced to grow up too quickly as he was only 16 months old when his little sister was born. He would follow me around the house when he was only nine months old, whining and crying until I would hold him. Even now, he has the softest place in his heart for me. He searches me out to tell me that he loves me, to give me hugs. When I'm sad, he feels responsible (although I definitely tell him that he's not) and loves on me until I can put back on my happy face.

Lastly, there's my firstborn Carson, my soon-to-be high-schooler. We had four wonderful years together before there were any other children. Actually, after Carson and all of the fun we had together, I didn't know if I would ever have any more children. He made me a momma, what I'd always wanted to be. He was my "toot-a-bootus," and we would sing and dance and watch Barney for hours on end. Now, he has my brother Douglas' sense of humor. I think that he is the funniest person whom I know. He fills my heart with laughter and joy when he hangs out with me. There's just something about that first baby!

I couldn't end without mentioning the love of my life. We've been through so much in our fifteen+ years of marriage, and we always come out stronger on the other side. He's my best friend. I miss him a lot these days because I'm so consumed with the kids and the house. I love the times when he talks to me, when he tells me what he's thinking, when he encourages me, when he demonstrates his love and, even more, his like for me. May God grant us many, many more years together on this Earth. Rowland is wise beyond his years, my rock, my Prince Charming, the one person I desire to spend time with over anyone else in the world. When he chooses me to take to a movie or out to dinner or to run to the store with me or to sing with him on Sundays, I feel truly CHOSEN. His holding my hand can make all of the stress in my body disappear. His arms around me make me feel like I can make it through the rest of a hard day, like I can relax as the world goes on around me.

So back to the original question. Why do I keep choosing these contemplative books? Perhaps there's something inside of me that fears losing myself, not being able to give enough of myself to those people who mean the most to me. Perhaps I'm afraid that when my children are grown, they won't love me like I love them. Perhaps life is too good, and I feel that I must keep in touch with the reality of just how much I could lose.

Perhaps I should follow my wise husband's advice and finish this book, then go on to some fluff. After all, I want to enjoy each day and fill each day with laughter so that one day, when I'm no longer here, my children and my husband will remember that I made them laugh, that I danced around the house listening to my dance music that they all laugh at, that I loved each one of them with the fiercest of a momma's love.

Happy Graduation Day!

2009-05-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

Hollie's graduation from high school was yesterday, and I have to say that it was a proud day for all of us. She's worked so hard to finish well, and she's done a great job!

Last night, we took her out to dinner at Buca di Beppo's to celebrate and had a fabulous time. Congratulations, Hollie! As of this morning, you're officially an adult!!!

Suzanne and Danny, Joe and Jeannie, Mike, and the Family

Suzanne and Hollie

The Girls Crawling on Carson

Joe and Jeannie, the BEST Neighbors and Friends

William, Rowland (and His Tongue!), Danny, and Mike

Hollie and Her Best Friend Mike

And, of course, in typical Momma fashion, all I could think the entire day was that in only four more years, my baby was going to be standing up there, walking across the stage, and receiving a diploma. Bittersweet day!! It always comes back to my Momma's heart!!!

What a Mom'll Do for a Little Attention

2009-05-19T22:09:00.001-07:00

Today, I left the house to go pick up Carson from school. When I left, I had on a pair of old gym shorts, a T-shirt that didn't match, torn-up tennis shoes, and NO, NO, NO makeup. I was the perfect image of dorkdom. I knew, though, that I wouldn't have to get out of the car and that no one would see me. In fact, I'd be home in only 15 minutes.

Carson jumped into the car in a great mood, laughing and being his goofy self. Since I think he's hysterical (He has my brother Douglas' sense of humor), we were having a blast until.....he asked if we could go buy a pair of tennis shoes for him to wear to Washington, D.C. on his class trip. And he wanted to go RIGHT THEN. Carson HATES to go ANYWHERE after school. He ALWAYS wants to go home! Always!!!! Being the needy mom that I am, I agreed. After all, we were having so much fun together, and that doesn't happen as often as it used to happen.

He suggested Kohl's, and although I knew that I'd have to walk halfway through the store to get to the shoes, then all of the way across the store to get to the restroom, I agreed. He was so funny trying on shoes and picking out the perfect pair, making jokes throughout. Then, out of the blue, he decided to look at shorts and T-shirts. He tried on the shorts OVER his jeans, then waddled to the dressing room with the shorts around his ankles! The image was hysterical! He chose a few T-shirts, and eventually, we headed back home with a huge bag in tow.

He'll never know how much I cherished that time alone with him, laughing and acting silly. I'll definitely put it in my memory bank to pull out on a "rainy" day. Who cares about clothes, shoes, makeup, and self-esteem when you get to be a mom enjoying her precious first-born?!

My Goofy Son

He'll Still Hug His Momma!